A carpet-layer is exhausted after a hard day's work--his partner didn't show up and he's finally finished laying carpeting in a large home all by himself. Cleaning up his tools and preparing to leave, he pats his pocket and realizes his cigarette pack is missing. Looking around, he suddenly notices a small lump in the center of the carpeting he just laid--just about the size of his cigarette pack. He thinks for a minute--then quickly takes a board and hammer. Laying the board over the lump, he hammers the lump absolutely flat--it's virtually undetectable. Sighing with relief that he doesn't need to pull the carpet up again, he loads his equipment into his truck, only to discoverhis cigarettes lying on the front seat. Just then the lady of the house runs out to his truck, "The carpeting looks great, thank you," she says, "By the way, have you seen my parakeet?"

St. Agnes convent was in the middle of a remodeling effort. Three of the nuns, Sister Mary, Sister Louise, and Sister Magdeline, were put in charge of painting. One particularly hot afternoon, while painting, Sister Mary commented that the heat was intolerable since the air conditioning broke down. Sister Louise suggested that they all take off their habits since no one was around. Sister Magdeline and Sister Mary were hesitant to paint in the nude, but agreed since it was so hot. Soon after, a knock came at the door. Sister Mary called out "who's there". "It's the blind man" came the reply. Sister Magdeline and Sister Louise were frantic, but Sister Mary assured them that since the visitor was blind, he would never even know that they were nude. Sister Mary opened the door, the visitor stepped in, and asked "Which room do you want me to install these mini blinds in?"

SON: "Dad, I have to do a special report at school. Can I ask you a question?"

DAD: "Sure son, what's the question?"

SON: "What is POLITICS?"

DAD: "Well, lets take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her GOVERNMENT. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the PEOPLE. We'll call the maid the WORKING CLASS and your baby brother the FUTURE. Do you understand?"

SON:"I'm not really sure Dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying so the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parent's room and found mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

--- The next morning ---

SON: "Dad, now I think I understand POLITICS.

DAD: "That's great son, explain it to me in your own words."

SON: "Well Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is fast asleep. The PEOPLE are being completely ignored, and the FUTURE is full of crap.

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

A carpenter was fixing the roof of a church, when he struck his thumb. "Damn it, I missed!" cries the carpenter. The minister corrects him, saying, "You shouldn't say such a thing in the church." The carpenter continues his work, and soon strikes his thumb again. "Damn it, I missed!" he yells. The minister again corrects the carpenter. The carpenter continues with his work without further comment. Again the carpenter strikes his thumb, and again he yells, "Damn it, I missed!!!!" When the minister corrects him this time, the carpenter asks, "What's going to happpen a bolt of lightening going to strike me dead?" The minister says, "As a matter of fact, yes it will !", when all of a sudden a bolt of lightening comes through the roof, and strikes the minister dead. A large booming voice is heard saying, "Damn it, I missed!!"

I was driving home yesterday and going 20 above the speed limit. Sure enough, there was a police car with its red lights on behind me soon enough. I had some liquid courage in me so me thinks: "I can outrun this guy," and floor it. Going 70, 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. Finally, as the speedometer passes 110, I figured "what the heck," give up and pull over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser, approaches the car, leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go. But it better be good, you were going well over 100." I though for a moment and than said: "Officer, three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that guy and you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"