Signs in the USA (mostly):

In front of a New Hampshire restaurant "Now serving live lobsters"

On the menu of a restaurant "Blackened bluefish"

In a Maine restaurant "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the walls of a Baltimore estate "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy"

On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

In a New York drugstore "We dispense with accuracy."

In a New York medical building "Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church"

In a funeral parlor "Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

Outside a country shop "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers "Parking for birds only."

In a laundry room "Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage."

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago "Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New Hampshire jewelry store "Ears pierced while you wait."

In a New York restaurant "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin "Crap - .79/lb."

In the offices of a loan company "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

At a number of US military bases "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards "Now available in multi-packs"

In the window of an Oregon general store "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Pennsylvania cemetary "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On the grounds of a private school "No trespassing without permission."

In a library "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away."

On a Tennessee highway "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash "If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket "If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."

On a delicatessen wall "Our best is none too good"

On a roller caoster "Watch your head"

On a Maine shop "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

In downtown Boston "Callahan Tunnel / No end."

A sign on a front yard in York, Maine "Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night."

New York: Two men decide to rob a bank using thier junkheap of a car for a getaway vehicle. They had spray-painted: "FOR SALE 555-5555" (with their phone number) on the side of the car in an effort to sell the heap.

Long Beach, CA: Several employees of a large (un-named) aerospace company decide to rob a bank on thier lunch hour (Figuring that the police would never look for them at the plant). Of course, they forgot to remove thier ID badges while they were robbing the bank! (And I thought wearing mine into the grocery store was embarassing.)

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a forged check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD! ---------------------------------------

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well talking. - Here speeching American. In a

Vienna hotel "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."

Outside a copier in India "We make photocopies in all languages."

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."

From the Soviet Weekly "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."

From a Tanzanian newspaper ad "Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool as you drink it all in."

In a butcher shop in Nahariyya, Israel "I slaughter myself twice daily."

In a barber shop in Tokyo "All customers promptly excecuted"

In a barbershop in Zanzibar "Gentlemen's throats cut with nice sharp razors."

In the window of a travel agency in Barcelona "Go away."

In The Restaurant des Artistes, Montmarte, France "We serve five o' clock tea at all hours."

In a bakery in Vale af Kashmir "First class loafer."

There's this guy on at bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here,... I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!!!"