> A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a...
>
> BUMP
>
>     BUMP
>
>           BUMP.....behind him.
>
> Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin
> banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
>
> BUMP...
>
>           BUMP...
>
>                    BUMP....
>
> Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing
> quickly behind him.....
>
>         faster...
>
>                     faster...
>
> BUMP...
>
>         BUMP....
>
>                 BUMP....
>
> He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
> slams and locks the door behind him.
>
> However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin
> clapping....
>
>         clappity-BUMP..
>
>             clappity-BUMP...
>
>                     clappity-BUMP...
>
>                             clappity-BUMP..
>>
> on the heels of the terrified man.
>
> Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
> pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
>
> With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping
> towards him.
>
> The man screams and reaches for something, anything...but all he can find is
> a bottle of cough syrup!
>
> Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin.
>
> the coffin stops.
>

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."  "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in
sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that here was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! I ran out
onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticks me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost  instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

The next guy came in to meet the Angel. Vernon Jordan was his name. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Jordan said, "No problem.
But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve mystress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch
myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there, face
up, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. I could get used to the new policy, he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of
Heaven," and lets Vernon enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator........

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package.  Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.(hellllllloooooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE
This is a true story! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.  He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE..... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

In the darkness was overheard,  "Did you take a bite of your banana?"

"No."

"Well, don't. I did and I just went blind. 

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard  WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks.  When he finally caught his  breath he gasped and asked,  "What'd you do that fer?"

"That's fer fifty years of bad sex." she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing.  Slowly they began to rock again.  Again they kept pace.  Back and forth, back and forth they rocked,  until  suddenly the man stopped  and picked up his cane.  He reached over and  with  a  loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak, she asked,  "What  was that fer?"

"That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit  card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.  She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really?  Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding,  I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.  He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
___________________________________________________________
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health &  Safety Handbook for Employees:" Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
____________________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area.   We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
 ____________________________________________________________
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branches who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.   Do you guys have
a fire downtown?"
____________________________________________________________
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping.  I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual
amount of time.  Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
 ____________________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,  but they only had iceberg.

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT

1.  The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
2.  They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not  know he had ever been shot.
3.  They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4.  Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5.  There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president.
6.  They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember  the Cold War.
7.  They have never feared a nuclear war.  "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
8.  They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and  Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
9.  Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic.  They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably  never have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
20.  As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.
34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
37. They never heard the terms: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"
38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was found?  I thought we always knew where it was.
40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
42. McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers.
43. There has always been MTV.

Pardon me while I go hunt down my Doan's back Pills and Aspercreme.

Suddenly, I'm feelng so very, very OLD.

Two brothers were riding a train for the first time.

They had brought along a bag of bananas for lunch.  Just as one bit into his banana, the train entered a tunnel under a mountain.

In the darkness was overheard,  "Did you take a bite of  your banana?"

"No."

 "Well, don't. I did and I just went blind.

Here is a list of the ways professors here at an American University (Name is classified) grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in.  The professor opens the books  and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELIGION:
- Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.

DEPT OF LOGIC:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.

But now you can help!  For about two thousand dollars a day - that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV - you can help keep a basketball player economically viable during his time of need.  Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise.  For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than a few months rent or mortgage payment. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.

Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor.  Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement.

"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"

Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need.  Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a specialoperator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected  expenses.

Simply fill out the form below.

YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player.

My preference is checked below:
          [ ] Starter
          [ ] Reserve
          [ ] Star*
          [ ] Superstar**
          [ ] Entire team***
          [ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.

          *    Higher cost
          **   Much higher cost
          ***  Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team.
          (Does not include cheerleaders)

Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for reserve or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with ateam logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

 [ ] MasterCard   [ ] Visa    [ ] American Express  [ ] Discover Card  [ ]Diner's Club

         Your Name: __________________________
         Telephone Number:  __________________________
         Account Number: __________________________ Exp.Date:
         Signature:  __________________________

Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone (Children under 18 must have parent's approval)

Note:  Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored,either in person or by other means including, but not limited to,  telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much to busy enjoying his free time,
thanks to your generous donations.

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said that he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said, "I can give you a companion and she would be called a woman.This person would cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make.  She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely
 give you love and compassion whenever needed."

 Adam asked, "What would a woman like this cost me?

 God said, "An arm and a leg."

 Adam thought for a moment, then said, "What can I get for just a rib??"

 The rest is history.

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last Time Management course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress."

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of  the workaholic!"

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET
CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

1. "Amen"

-The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.  The Fifth
Commandment is humor thy father and  mother.  The Seventh Commandment is thou
shalt not admit adultery.

-Moses died before he ever reached Canada.  Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.  The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

-Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

-St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.  He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.  A Christian should have only one wife.  This is called monotony.

-The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.  The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started   reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the  woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book."

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all  this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the  warden,   "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."  To which the lady replied, "Yes, but you have all the equipment!"

"What's your secret?"

Holmgren responds by calling Farve over. "Brett, who's your father's brother's nephew?"

He answers, "Why coach, that's easy. "It's me."

Holmgren turns to Green and says, "That's the secret, Dennis. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback."

Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Green returns to Minnesota and the Viking's work-out. He promptly calls over Randall Cunningham.

"Cunningham! Who's your father's brother's nephew?"

Randall looks perplexed, thinks a minute and says, "Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?"

Green (disgusted) says, "OK."

During practice, Randall Cunningham calls over Robert Smith.

"Smith, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?"

Smith: "Duh! That's easy. It's me!"

After practice, Cunningham catches up with Green: "Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Robert Smith."

Green (angry): "No, No, NO! You idiot!! It's Brett Farve!!!"

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said,  "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

"That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning", explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than ..."

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not ..."

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him.

"Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
 
 

*Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

* There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take  time to look
 for it.  For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
 wrinkles don't hurt.

* Reason to smile:  Every seven minutes of every
 day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

* The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
  atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires. -Dorothy Parker

* Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

* Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

* Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

* Laughing helps.  It's like jogging on the inside.

* Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

* My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

* One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

* If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

* Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters
  and too young to borrow the family car.

* Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can
  happen to you the rest of the day!

* You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
  wonder what else you can do while you're down there

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note
at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, the preacher realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died.  I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

The preached opened the note, and read aloud, "Hey!! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

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